Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?