HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
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[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Heroic Misunderstanding
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Batman v Dracula
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.