Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
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It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best