you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
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Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
me: my friends:
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Cndnsd Mlk
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.