little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
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Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!