Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
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Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Rather alarming headline…
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!