Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
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Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
japanese corn
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face