I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
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Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
the prophecies have been fulfilled
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Chicken bread
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?