It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
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Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Tuesday
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that