ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
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Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
HELP 😭
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.