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You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
bad news gang
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”