Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
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Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes