My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
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“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?