My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
You Might Also Like
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back