My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
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You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.