If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
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frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
🤣😈🤣
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors