I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
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“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.