Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
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i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”