He took my last fry, your honor
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Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face