Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
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[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
yea so i messed up lol
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.