Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
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moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Me trying to “trust the process”
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.