Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
You Might Also Like
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I cannot call her anything else now
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
dutch so unserious
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish