Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
it must be school picture day
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.