Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
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I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full