Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
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Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Midwest trash talk
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
mood
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.