Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
You Might Also Like
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
very niche meme I made
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members