“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
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Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
A short story about romance.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
went fishing caught a bass
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
“What movie?” 🤔
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it