Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
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friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
A friend sent me this.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
There is no “we” in pizza
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.