My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
You Might Also Like
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Finally!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
my first dose meeting my second
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.