8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
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DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
there’s probably a fee though
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
i can’t wait that long
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
best first i’ve ever seen
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?