No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
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ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao