Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
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Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Snapes on a plane.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?