Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
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Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
back to work
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse