Horrifying if literal: a handbag
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I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
is it earth
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Seems kinda suspicious
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
LMAO
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail