Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
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[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.