[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
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By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.