Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
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Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
What a year we’ve had this week.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?