I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children