I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
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There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
they finally got him. they got macavity
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
*launders Kohls cash*
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.