If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
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My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
everyone’s a critic
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.