Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
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My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
If a snake ate a cake
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.