my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
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“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.