Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
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Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*