[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
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I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Candles never taste the way they smell
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
my nickname in college
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.