My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
found my next D&D character name
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall