*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
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Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Overindulged this afternoon.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?