sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
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According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT