*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
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My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
God making man in his image was the original selfie