Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
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Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”