Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
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Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’